August 22, 2011 – You read the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray PhD, but it didn’t help.  You suggested counseling but he/she wouldn’t go.  You’ve spoken with your Pastor on many occasions but didn’t receive the counsel that you felt you both needed.  And now, you’re heading for divorce.  Or worst yet, your divorce is final and now you don’t know what to do.

What you are experiencing right now is probably a combination of pain, anger, frustration, and even guilt.  You may also feel dazed, confused, and alone.  But there is hope…Divorce Coaching.

What is Divorce Coaching?
The right divorce coach will work with you (together as a couple or individually), to help you manage emotions, identify practical realities of your divorce and address issues related to self-esteem.  The coaching process is an opportunity to work with a coach whose only goal is to help you through the divorce.

What about the Divorce Coach?
Your divorce coach understands that each session is all about YOU.  Your needs. Your desires.  And your goals.  A divorce coach works with present issues to provide you with the tools to move forward into the future.  A divorce coach will also provide a safe environment that will allow you to explore your anger, fear, frustration, guilt and sadness.

There are other alternative dispute resolution (ADR) methods to a costly court-room battle – mediation and collaborative divorce are two of them.

Other alternatives to a costly court-room battle

Mediation – a neutral third party who does not represent either party, but is there solely to facilitate a mutually agreed upon solution.   The mediator can sort through differences between the two parties involved in a dispute, and find common ground; definitely a much more cost-effective solution to hiring an attorney.

Collaborative Divorce – a team of professionals trained in the collaborative divorce process.  The “team” is made up of 2-attorneys, 2-divorce coaches, a child specialist and financial specialist.  Collaborative Divorce is not for everyone or for every situation.  PLEASE do your research.

If you are having interpersonal conflicts at home, church, or in the workplace find out how Coaching or Mediation can work for you.  Sign-up for your FREE Discovery Session by visiting: www.herbertmediationcenter.com and click on ‘Get in Touch’.  Or call me directly to schedule an appointment: 813-868-7697 M-F 10am to 4pm EST.  There is light at the end of this tunnel…get a Divorce Coach.

You enjoyed this article, but it’s not for you?  Do your friend, family member, or co-worker a favor – forward this article to them.

Until next time…

Resolve It Now!

The Negative Side of Conflict

From the UK to Israel; Syria to the USA

August 15, 2011 – This bears repeating again, Conflict is Inevitable; Combat is Not.  It doesn’t really matter where you are in this world, Belgium, South Africa, or right here U.S. you are going to encounter some type of conflict.  This entire week has been consumed by what is happening in Tottenham, London.  I was born and raised in the Sheffield, England so the turmoil my comrades are experiencing hits close to home.  More importantly it got me thinking about the way we chose to handle conflict.  And I wondered “…don’t we have enough examples of what NOT to do?  So let’s look at this situation to see if any of the steps needed to help resolve conflict were used.  [I guess now would have been a great time for you to refer back to my book - Deal With It! - if you had a copy.]

Step 1 – Check your emotions:  I’m sure that people where hurt, and yes, even angry with the shooting of this (innocent?) young man.  But they decided to hold a peaceful demonstration to show their disapproval of how the situation had been handled.

Step 2 – What is the Reason?: Initially, (I believe) it was to show support for a young man who had lost his life at the hands of the police, and also to show disapproval of how the entire situation was handled.

Step 3 – Can We Talk?: Now here is where things break down.  A small group of individuals decided ‘peaceful’ was not the way to go, they wanted to teach someone, anyone a lesson and so they started a riot.

All the other steps to resolving conflict at this point have been tossed aside.  No-one wants to listen.  Everyone wants to blame someone else and so they are not willing toown their own behavior.  And they have chosen to express themselves in a way that is hurtful and harmful.  They have chosen not to use the Power of “…ions” - discussion, suggestion, negotiation.  And they certainly have not remained calm in any sense of the world.

So we see first hand that the negative side of conflict can do – it hurts.  If you could not grasp that concept before now, take a look at various conflict situations around the world.  It is painful and in most cases deadly because at least one party is going to do and say whatever it takes to hurt (take out, end the life of) the other party.  The mindset is someone has to win and someone has to lose.  In the case of the riots in Tottenham, London, the people who are being hurt are the business owners and ‘around the corner shopkeepers.’  The riots are not sending the message that some believe they are sending.  Instead these riots are causing more people to lose their jobs and possibly lose everything that they have worked so hard to build.  Oh the negative side of conflict.

When we allow our emotions to take over, the negative side of conflict hurts and doesn’t resolve anything.  The negative side of conflict doesn’t care who gets hurt as long as someone gets hurt.  The negative side of conflict causes emotional stress which can cause physical sickness.  The negative side of conflict is always destructive.

How can I end this piece… well, just learning how to manage conflict in a healthy and transformative way is a step in the right direction, but it isn’t the first step.  Do you have anger management issues that need to be addressed?  Do you have trouble communicating effectively?  Is there some type of trauma lingering in your life that needs to be dealt with? The art of conflict resolution is more than just a few basic steps, however, these basic steps are the foundation that we all need and should certainly be taught in our schools and colleges, with quarterly workshops held in the workplace.  Resolving conflict isn’t about winning or losing.  Resolving conflict is about having an open-mind and a showing a willingness to comprise for the good of the situation.

Do you have questions?  Are you interested in a FREE Discovery Session? Please call me on 813-868-7697 10am to 4pm M-F or send me an email to set-up your appointment.

Until next time…

Resolve It Now!

August 8, 2011 - Who are you?  No really, WHO ARE YOU?  If you really know who you are then you would probably know how to respond to difficult or conflict situations.  But most of us don’t know who we really are inside, and so we avoid or just jump in blindly when it comes to handling difficult situations.

For example, perhaps the person that you see in the mirror you believe to be stable and creative with a healthy emotional expression.  That person has a blend of strength, sensitivity and creativity that you really admire – and others do too because they’ve told you as much.  But what you don’t see or chose not to acknowledge is the insecurity and self-doubt that lies just beneath the surface.  Yes, that is you, the real you.  That air of confidence that everyone admires is also hiding your insecurity and self-doubt.

Now that you know you have these underlying issues, isn’t it safe to say that perhaps the way you handled past conflicts was based solely on these traits and not the air of confidence that you put out there for everyone to see.  It’s the insecurity and self-doubt that drives your need to express your anger or resentment every single time, no matter what.  And you analyze everything to death which only puts you into deeper hot waters.

Start today and get to know the real you – not just your strengths, but also your weaknesses.  Don’t hide your weaknesses, bring them out and confront them.  When you acknowledge what they are, you can better understand why you re-act to certain situations the way that you do.  You will know the next step to take, how and when to take that step each and every time you are faced with a difficult or conflict situation.

Perhaps you’ve been thinking about getting a coach, but weren’t sure why you might need one.  As your conflict resolution coach, I can help you learn more about your communication and conflict management styles; develop new options and strategies for managing any existing conflicts; gain confidence in your own abilities to manage and resolve those conflicts knowing that you have someone to support you.  Take the next step and call me @ 813-868-7697 (10am to 4pm Est.) to set an appointment for a FREE strategy session.

Until next time…

Resolve It Now!

 “Life is a dance if you take the steps: one step, then another.” [Anonymous]

August 1, 2011 – I was read a story today by Janice Gibbs in a devotional book called Love Out Loud.  And I immediately thought “…What a great lead-in for my article…”    You see, today I want to you to think about how prepared your children are to handle the conflict situations they face in their young lives.  Even If you don’t have any kids of your own, perhaps you have nieces or nephews and can forward this email to their parents when you’ve finished reading it. Let me share the story with you first:

“Most children are involved in some type of sport or physical activity.  While sports and games are excellent ways for children (and adults) to keep healthy and fit and to learn valuable life lessons, they can also cause serious injuries and, on rare occasions, even death.  Our son, Spencer, enjoys playing hockey, and we all know how rough that sport can be.  My husband remembers a particularly anxious moment  in which Stephen fell victim to a nasty ‘head shot.’  Spencer was streaking down the right wing looking for his center man, heading for the net. He made the pass and wham!  He took an elbow directly to his head and went down like the walls of Jericho.  Spencer was down on the ice for a few seconds but managed to get up, obviously dazed, and stagger back to the bench.  Fortunately, he escaped serious injury.  I shudder to think what might have happened if he hadn’t been wearing his helmet and mouth guard.  Our daughter, Mikaela, has been riding horses for more than three years.  While by God’s grace, she has not suffered any serious injuries, no rider should underestimate how a 1,200-pound animal might react to unexpected loud noises or quick movements.  For these reasons, Mikaela must wear a helmet and also were hard-toed boots to protect her feet from a stomping hoof.  Parents with children involved in physical activity know how it feels when their child gets hurt.  Equipment is worn for a reason: protection.  Hockey, skateboarding, skiing, cycling, and even tobogganing require adequate protective equipment.”

“Equipment is worn for a reason: protection…” so why then do parents send their kids out everyday without providing them with adequate protection to handle conflict situations in school?  We buy them uniforms for the cheer leading team, and helmets and padding for the football team because we don’t want them to feel out of place or get hurt on the field.  Preparing your kid to handle conflict situations is just as important as providing all the gear your son (or daughter) would need to be on the football team.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Well, I don’t even know or feel comfortable in conflict situations, so how am I supposed to prepare my kid?

Don’t panic.  The first thing you should do is sign-up to be included on my mailing list.  I will share with you tips, tools, and strategies that you can learn and teach on how to manage the conflict in your life.  You will understand why conflict happens and learn how to navigate through conflict situations with confidence.   It is so important that as parents you teach your children while they are young so that when they get to middle and high school they are well prepared.  It is never too late to learn.  They experience more conflict (bullying, arguments, fights) than they are perhaps willing to let you know.  It shouldn’t be brushed off as “boys will be boys” or “it’s just kid stuff, no harm done” the harm is being done every single day Monday through Friday, and even on the weekends through social media (facebook, myspace, email) and cell-phones.

Let me share some tips with you:

#1  – Ask your child or teenager if they are comfortable handling conflict situations when they arise?  If they say yes,
#2 – Ask them how they handle conflict situation (what strategies/plan do they use).
#3 – More than likely they don’t have a plan or their plan is “I give as good as I get!”  If that is the case,
#4 – Teach them the basic steps to managing conflict.

I would also like to suggest that you take things a step further and find out what the school is doing to protect and support your kid.  Do they have an Anti-bullying program and/or a Peer Mediation program?  At the very least, how do they handle complaints from students?  Are the teachers trained to spot the signs of students who are being bullied and, what are the protocols?  Take an active part to make sure that your kids is prepared (and protected) emotionally to handle conflict situations.

If you are interested in learning more about conflict resolution coaching, or have a situation that you would like to talk about, please contact me to set-up an appointment for a 30-minute FREE Consultation.  You can contact me by email or call me on 813-868-7697 M-F 10am to 4pm EST.

Until next time…

Eudine Herbert, M.Ed., NPCM

Your Conflict Coach & Mediator