Dr. Linette Daniels has a PhD in Education – Training & Performance Improvement, is a national speaker, author and coach. She has spent the last 20-years working with youth from the cradle through college in a variety of arenas to include public school, child care, foster care, juvenile court, social services, and youth-serving programs.  Daniels is also the founder of Empowering Youth For Success and has spent her whole life caring for and nurturing children – raising 2 biological children and 12 therapeutic foster care children as a single parent.

Examiner: What do you see as the cause for the rise in bullying?

Daniels: Our kids are over exposed – over exposure is the major problem.  Over exposure has come as a result of technology, but it has now opened some doors that we did not have years ago.  Our kids don’t read anymore because of video games, music videos, etc.  They are being raised to want everything right now.  Over exposure is replacing the innocence of our children, and our family time. The only way that some young people know how to express an emotion is with violence because that is what they are exposed to every day. Parents are not home anymore, so there is no balance with how long our children are being exposed to these other entities.  Not all video games are appropriate.

Examiner: How does bullying relate to a young person’s success at home, in school and/or in life?

Daniels: It really doesn’t.  Bullying is not good for the bully, and it is not good for the person being bullied.  A child who is being bullied cannot possibility do their best in school because they are living in constant fear.  The child who is being bullied, it can totally destroy their life. Kids are now killing themselves which is absolutely insane.  This should not be happening. The kids who are being bullied feel no-one cares, and the person doing the bullying feel that they can continue to do what they do because no-one addresses the issue with them.

Examiner: What do youth need to turn this epidemic around?

Daniels: They need self-esteem.  Take the person who is doing the bullying – if we can peel away a lot of the issues (layers), we may find abuse in the family, no food at home; when we get down to the root of the matter, it’s (all about) self-esteem.  When a child has high self-esteem they don’t need to bully someone else.  If the child who is being bullied has high self-esteem, not only will they stand up for themselves but they will have an ‘aura’ that they can’t be run over.  When both sides of the coin if you will have high self-esteem in my opinion that is the ultimate medicine to the entire problem all the way around.  When I worked with the juvenile court, the children who were bullied, the bullies in particular they are in a protective mode,  and because they cannot take out their anger at home, or cannot express themselves at home – their displeasure, dislike – if they feel they have no control in one area of their life, then they will take that control and become a bully.  Hear what I’m saying, that this is not the case with one who is a bully.  Only some times.  We’ve heard that rape is not about sex, it is about control (and power).  Some people don’t understand that.  Bullying is also about control and power.  Where is that need for control and power coming from?  It is to compensate for the lack of control and power they don’t have in their own life.  [The act] of bullying is not where we should be looking at or focusing on.  We need to get through the layers and get to the root of the problem.  We spend too much time on what we ‘see’ is happening, and less time on the ‘fruit’.  As long as we continue to address the fruit then all we are doing is putting a band aid on a wound that needs surgery or major stitches.  We have to be proactive in getting to the root, the seed of the problem. In other words, for all the gardeners out there, if you have weeds in your garden, you don’t cut them off because you know the weed will continue to grow.  What the gardener has to do is dig down to the root of the weed and pull it out.  That is exactly what we have to do with those who engage in bullying, go to the root of the problem and take care of it.

Examiner: What do you think about incorporating peer mediation, Anti-bullying programs, and conflict resolution programs into our schools?

Daniels: Absolutely, I am 200% in favor.  I love peer mediation.  Having these services in the schools is where they need to be.  Whenever I speak to teachers, I tell them the children are with you more awake hours than they are with their parents.  So even though they may not want the responsibility of taking care of these children, they have it, by virtue of taking the responsibility of being a teacher.  The school system then needs to have quite a bit of things in place that they don’t have.  Kids don’t like to listen to adults and feel that we don’t understand.  When you have peer mediation with young people listening and dialoguing both sides of the situation.  That doesn’t mean that adults should not be present, as support, but we should train peers to be mediators.  It teaches a skill and set-up a system to address conflict between young people.  In addition, the school system needs to have classes like communication skills and conflict resolution which should be mandatory classes that kids in school should take.  It should start in kindergarten.  We wait until our kids are in high school and are killing each other before we want to teach them these skills.  And what we don’t realize is that cliques start in kindergarten, not middle school and high school.  We need to stop thinking that our toddlers will grow out of certain behaviors.

Examiner: What can adults do to help?  Baring in mind that some people think that bullying is not an epidemic and that a small number of cases are being hyped by the media.

Daniels: There is a lot that we can do — we need to speak up and recognize that is an epidemic.  Try telling that to parents who are burying their children because they were killed by their bully or they killed themselves because of being bullied.  As adults we have to live and be an example, because our kids don’t do as we say, they do what they see us do. Bullying in the workplace is outrages today.  Why is it ok for a parent to think they can holler and scream at their children? When we can behavior ourselves in a manner that is respectable and respectful then we are modeling how our children should behavior.  Why is it ok for our teachers to talk to children like they are nothing – it isn’t.  Why is it ok for a boss to yell, scream, and humiliate an employee – it isn’t.  I personally had to have a teacher fired because of how they were talking to my child. Now, my child was in middle school and liked to talk too much.  But he would come home everyday and tell me how one particular teacher was talking to him.  But I didn’t believe him, initially.  It took about three months, to get to the bottom of the problem, but eventually this teacher was recorded verbally abusing the students.  As adults we cannot behavior how we want to and expect our children to behavior differently.

Examiner: Tell us a little bit out Empowering Youth for Success?

Daniels: At Empowering Youth For Success we focus on three areas – business success, financial success, and leadership success.  We cannot empower young people to be leaders if they don’t have anyone to follow.  Leadership is not about power, it is about everything except power.  If we can teach young people how to be great leaders then we will also be able to address some of the bullying that we see going on.   We not only work with young people, we work with parents as well.  Leadership training empowers youth to be good leaders and ties so very well with attacking the bullying problem. Teaching them to be leaders is going to add to that self-esteem seed that we were talking about earlier.  When young people realize that they can be leaders their self-esteem grows.  A bully is a leader…misguided so we want to take that outspoken or aggressive quality and re-focus what is negative into positive leadership skills.  All schools should have a youth entrepreneur class, a leadership class, and so no because our kids need to know more than just one + one = two.  I’m not saying that, for instance, math is not important.  But in today’s society our children need much more than the basic subjects to prepare them for an ever changing world, and also prepare them for conflict that they will experience in the workplace, in college, in church.

As always, I write these articles in the hope that they will inspire, provoke thought, and create conversation.

Until next time…

This is the last installment of the article ‘Beneath the bulling, another victim’ written by Eric Gosier, Times Columnist for the St. Petersburg Times, on September 17, 2002.

“The chain of accountability that used to keep behavior corralled into manageable range has been broken: Children are shipped to schools miles outside the neighborhoods where they interact with children they see only at school.  Parents know teachers only through the names that appear on report cards.

With so much working against them, school officials deserve praise for keeping schools grounds from becoming more battleground than they are.  Until that continuum is resurrected, until parents assume more responsibility for guiding their children, until we as a society learn that setting boundaries for children is as important to a child’s development as letting them explore new ones, schools will be stuck in its growing role of treating symptoms.

It was disheartening to think what lies ahead for my grandson’s 6-year old bully.  Pinellas County schools have a program of training for teachers and administrators devoted to bullying.  It is run by the Safe and Drug-Free Schools Program and came into being about nine months ago after analysis disclosed that two-thirds of school shootings involved young people who had been bullied.

Consequently, said Linda Jones, supervisor of the program, the emphasis is on teaching children who are being bullied how to respond appropriately.  She and Jan Urbanski, one of the prevention specialists conducting the training, confirmed some of my conclusions about bullying and said there has been little research.

They do know that the bully is searching for power and control, and it’s most prevalent in middle school, that in earlier grades it’s more likely to result from a lack of social skills than an ingrained desire for control, that it’s easier to fix at that stage.

I was surprised they did not reject out of hand my advice for my grandson.  Within the three R’s taught in their training — recognize, refuse and report — I suppose my suggestion would fit under the refuse part.  Jones and Urbanksi emphasized, though, that the victim should resist only when he determines it’s safe to do so.

With any luck, the little bully will acquire some social skills and become a well-liked, healthy citizen of his school and community.”

We often don’t want to think of the bully as a victim also, but that could be a very logical explanation?  Barb North, a well-known mediator and coach indicates that “…unresolved conflict is everywhere around us.”  She goes on to list the damage that unresolved conflict can have on our families:  domestic abuse, custody battles, communication breakdowns; to our schools: student and faculty assaults, harassment, lost class time; to neighborhoods: neighbor disputes, gang violence, police time wasted; to businesses: loss of productivity, needless litigation, backstabbing, retaliation; to innocent parties: collateral damage of every kind.

Is your child’s teacher(s) trained in conflict resolution? Is there an anti-bullying program, conflict resolution, or peer mediation program in your child’s school?  This writer would like to suggest that our parents take some time to find out exactly what their school is doing to manage bullying and conflicts between students.  This is for your child’s health and well being.  And your peace of mind.

Until next time…

On September 17, 2002, Elijah Gosier, Times Columnist for the St. Petersburg Times, wrote a piece titled ‘Beneath the bullying, another victim’. Mr. Gosier reminds us that while our grandparents may have a specific instructions on how their sons and daughters should handle the school bully, that certainly is not the way to handle that type of behavior today. Perhaps you remember your father telling you. “Son, I don’t ever want you to start a fight, but if someone hits you, then I want you to make sure that you win!” His article continues…

“I learned — and taught — that lesson as a timid first-grader when a high school boy thought it would be funny to keep me from getting off the bus at my stop. What to him was a joke to amuse his friends was deadly serious to me: If I missed my stop, my normal six-tenths of a mile walk home would have more than a mile added to it. Size notwithstanding, I managed to swirl and bloody his nose.

I never had any trouble getting off the bus after that, and he endured teasing about the incident that grew in each retelling so that long before he graduated, it was simply “the time a first-grader beat him up.” My reputation after that — and that I had four older brothers — kept the rest of my school days essentially bully-free.

But there is another side to bullying, especially, as in my grandson’s case, when the bully is 6 years old. A child that age, who already displays such dysfunctional behavior, undoubtedly is dealing with other problems that make him more victim than the target of his bullying. Unfortunately, it is he, and not the parents, who ends up getting punched in the nose.

That’s what my son found when he accompanied my grandson to school the next day to make sure teachers and school administrators were aware of the problem. On sight, my grandson, who didn’t inherit my subtlety gene, announced to his bully — and whatever teachers and students were within a 100-yard range: “My dad said I can beat you up!”

The bully, confronted with responsibility for his actions, behaved like a timid 6-year-old, creating for my son a quandary: It’s easy enough to fix an instance of bullying, but how do you fix the problems that led to that behavior and will probably continue in other forms?

That is where I ran out of experience. The landscape is different now: The disconnect between school and community has never been greater. The fabric of family has never been more tattered. Standards of morality and notions of discipline have never been more muddled.”

There is certainly no excuse for bullying someone – constantly harassing an individual on an emotional or physical level – however, it is interesting to see that even in 2002 it is noted by Mr. Gosier that “…The disconnect between school and community has never been greater…family has never been more tattered…morality and notions of discipline have never been more muddled.” Is the implementation of Conflict Resolution, Peer Mediation, and Anti-bullying programs an essential part of our school system? Tomorrow, Mr. Gosier’s article concludes.

On September 17, 2002, Elijah Gosier, Times Columnist for the St. Petersbug Times, wrote a piece titled ‘Beneath the bullying, another victim’.  Mr. Gosier reminds us that while our grandparents may have had specific instructions on how their sons and daughters should handle the school bully, that certainly is not the way to handle that type of behavior today. Perhaps you remember your father telling you, “Son, I don’t ever want you to start a fight, but if someone hits you, then I want you to make sure that you win!” Over the next couple of days, you will read how Mr. Gosier’s instructions to his son differ to the instructions he finds himself giving to his grandson.

“I could tell by the lateness of the call that he had given it a lot of thought.  My 5-year-old grandson, a couple of weeks into kindergarten, was facing his first bully and his father, my son, wanted to hear my thoughts on how he should deal with it.  He told me that he had already passed along the instructions I had given him when he was about that age and I was about his, the short version of which is: Never start a fight, but if forced to defend yourself, win.

Of course, now I added the suggestion that he should make sure the teacher and other school authorities were aware of the problem before he sent his son to school armed with permission to fight back.  That was a step I had left out of his instructions.  The experience and common sense I relied on for parenting guidance — rather than the latest fad theory of some childless expert — told me that it is usually not convenient to excuse yourself in the middle of being bullied to go tell the teacher.  Sometimes, telling plays right into the bully’s hands, affirming to him that you are afraid and need help dealing with him.  Sometimes, telling intensifies the bullying, which is usually done without benefit of an audience, or with an audience of others who already fear the bullying.

Experience taught me that bullies may like to beat up on kids, but they generally don’t like to fight.  They push around those children who are afraid to offer resistance.  Common sense tells me that in the long run you do the bully a favor by punching his lights out.  You teach him that assumptions about size and strength, personality and character are sometimes not valid, that there are consequences to trying to control and exploit other people.”

[This article will continue tomorrow - If you are parent and know that your child is being bullied in school contact the teacher or schools officials, or go to the Hernando County School Board's website and complete the Bullying Report form.]

We can agree that if your child is the victim of bullying it can be a very big deal, a traumatic experience. What are our schools doing to address and combat what appears to be an increase in bullying in our schools?  How about using ‘Little People’ as part of your Bullying Awareness Program?  That is exactly what a school in Spring Hill, Florida decided to do.

The John D. Floyd Elementary School for Environmental Sciences hosted an all-day event that focused teaching its students how to respect each other – the presenters were ‘Dwarfs’ or commonly referred to as ‘Little People’. The school partnered with the Hernando Sheriff’s Department and two ‘Little People’ who grew up with dwarfism.  Undoubtedly, these two men probably received their fair share of bullying throughout their childhood.  And I might venture to add, during their adult years as well from individuals who don’t know any better.

While this was just a one-day event and a positive start, what about the rest of the school year?  We want to believe that our schools don’t and won’t tolerate bullying.  But as a parent do you know if your child’s school has a program in place to deal with bullying or any other type of conflict?   Have the teacher’s gone through training to be able to address these problems? Is there a contact person that parents can go to if they have a complaint?  These are all valid questions that should be asked when enrolling your child into a school, including a before- or after-program.

Bully Prevention, Peer Mediation, or Conflict Resolution Programs, should all have a place in our school’s programming.  We can talk about the cost of implementing these programs, or the fact that our school boards don’t have the money.  But the truth of the matter is, our children and teachers alike need access to these programs especially when we see, hear, and read more and more about cyber-bullying, increased violence in schools, on school buses, shootings on school campuses – the list goes on and on.  How many children and teens have to die before we stop talking about addressing these issues, and start addressing them?  A modest but consistent prevention can go a long way to making our schools safer, providing our children a sense of security in a learning environment where they should be free to learn and not continually worry about school violence.

According to Webster’s Dictionary bullying is defined as “a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.”

Have you experienced bullying?  Do you know someone who was being bullied?  I’m sure you would agree that young people who are being bullied, especially at school, deserve to feel safe in their learning environment; that those who are doing the bullying should most certainly be held accountable for their actions. Then why, according to the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Control is there an estimated 30 percent of 6th to 10th graders in the United States who were either a bully, a target of bullying, or both?  30 percent.  How safe do our schools sound now?

So who are these bullies?  Have you ever looked at an individual and made the comment “..that person has trouble written all over their face!”  Or perhaps, “…those people are always up to no good and can’t be trusted.”  We all make assumptions or judge people based on our culture, preference, social status, etc.  The same can be said of the individual who is doing the bullying.

Let me introduce you to two students: Terrence and Joshua.  Terrance is a well mannered, neatly dressed, helpful, attentive, B+ grade average student who comes from a middle-class family.  Joshua also comes from a middle-class family, but he wears his pants far too low, has several tattoos, needs a hair cut, chews tobacco, and has a foul-mouth; his grades leave much to be desired.

Which one of these students is the bully?  What if I told you that they are both bullies.  It is sometimes difficult to discern who is doing the bullying unless the victim speaks up.  Our bullies come from all walks of life, there is no distinction in class, race, ethnicity, or education. Bullying isn’t just restricted to our schools.  You will find bullying going on in the home, the workplace, church, and nursing homes, the list goes on and on.  Some would even venture to say that we witness bullying at its finest during election campaigns, but that’s for another article.

What are some reasons that our students are being bullied?  Here are just a few:

• they are considered a minority (gender, race, etc.)
• they may be disabled or have special needs
• their first language may not be English
• they may not wear fashionable clothes
• they are exceptionally gifted in their studies
• they don’t play sports very well
• then tend not to have many friends
• they may have health problems

What are the effects of bullying?

• low self-esteem
• declining grades
• depression
• suicidal thoughts
• nightmares
• loss of appetite or over-eating

These types of effects can last a lifetime if they are not addressed and dealt with accordingly.  So what is the big deal with bullying? If the issue of bullying were just about name-calling, we could all say that we’ve been the victim of bullying. However, in today’s society it is much more than just name-calling. Let’s go back to Webster’s definition:  ”…overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.”

Habitually, constantly, every single day targets, makes a point of badgering and intimidating in whatever way suits them that day, the smaller weaker person.  You’ve heard about it, maybe you’ve witnessed it.  The News media (right or wrong, sensationalize or otherwise) has brought this problem from the darkness into the spotlight.  Not because they don’t have anything else to report about, but because bullying is real.

And according to the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center and the Health Resources and Services Administration almost 1 out of every 3 student is involved in bullying as victims, perpetrators or both.

So the question we have to ask ourselves is, who is responsible for bully prevention?  Is it the responsibility of parents to teach their children how to respect others, and respect themselves?  Should our schools be equipped with conflict resolution programs as well as programs that address bullying?  What part should our law enforcement play in helping to address these issues before the handcuffs come out?  Where is the money going to come from to pay for these types of programs and services? Whose responsibility is it to create an environment of tolerance and understanding?

These are questions for us to ponder and quickly answer. Questions that this writer may be able to answer in the next article.